We all need a laugh every once in awhile....

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Just in case you were beginning to think all homes were straight out of a magazine...

A few years ago, I was getting ready to sell my home and was beginning my search for another project to work on.  You see, I used to work as a carpenter/contractor and look for properties that I can add value too and put my own stamp on.  So really, I wasn't looking at showcase homes but more along the lines of dilapidated but with good bones/layouts.

I saw a home for sale in my neighborhood of choice (Wellington West) that fit the bill...or so I thought.  My girlfriend at the time wanted to come along to have a look as well as she'd never once been through a house for sale before.  I warned her that she had to be able to look past the ugly to see what could be, not sure that was even possible with this house.

The Listing Agent wasn't able to show the home (or didn't want to) and left the homeowners to the task...never a good move.  We were greeted at the door by the lady of the house, the house was set up as a duplex with her son and girlfriend living upstairs.  She welcomed us in and immediately I knew this was gonna be quite the walkthrough.  She was a hoarder.  There was a path through her stuff which was waist deep everywhere.  Boxes upon boxes, bags upon bags of who knows what.  Not a problem I thought but my biggest problem was the layout.  It just didn't work.

Making our way to the kitchen I was going through my checklist and counting up the $$$ signs in my head.  Not bad, doable but questionable.  I asked to see the basement as this is usually my go to area when viewing a home.  A lot can be gleamed from a basement.  To my surprise, the basement was actually cleaner than her main floor living area...well with the exception of the chicken coop.  Yep.  A basement chicken coop.  Pretty sure that's gotta be against bylaws, animal cruelty and not good for human air consumption.  Thankfully the chickens were gone (staging tip #107) but the feathers were there along with the pleasant smell one might expect.  The look on on girlfriend's face was one of horror/disgust/bewilderment.

Back upstairs, the son came down to continue the tour upstairs, proud as a peacock in his Zubaz pants and dirty white tanktop.  Heading upstairs, the first thing I noticed was how dark it was.  They had taken off all doors, replaced them with black vinyl shower curtains and continued the theme by using them as window treatments (staging tip #187).  Mattresses on the floor, clothes everywhere and some of the same hoarding mentality as the mom persisted.  The "piece de resistance" was the kitchen though.  Apparently the happy couple had an affinity for Kraft Dinner.  I have never seen so many boxes everywhere.  Empty boxes, strewn around the kitchen with the dirty pots to match.  Not sure they ever washed a pot but just got new ones to make the next batch with.  Conservative estimate would be 40-50 empty boxes and roughly 20 pots AND this guy was still as proud as peacock giving the tour.

My girlfriend had wandered off (surprising because she had been clutching my hand the rest of the tour) and poked her head into the last room.  I heard her gasp and appologise while a voice from the other room said not to worry about it.  By this time I had long ago made up my mind that the $$$ needed to fix this mess wasn't worth my time and was ready to leave. My girlfriend returned with a look of shock on her face and told me I really should see the entire house including the last room she'd just been.  I knew something was up but off I went.  Turning into the doorway I saw what had made her gasp.  Sitting at the computer was an overweight girl (the sons girlfriend) with no pants on.  Yep! No pants.  She said that she hopes her cats (4 of them) weren't a bother and i couldn't muster up anything to say other than "nope" and try to find a place for my eyes to land other than on her.

Leaving the property, my girlfriend immediately hopped into the shower to try and forget about the last half-hour while telling me she refused to go through anymore houses with me.  I did manage to learn a few things though which are good to remember going forward.  When selling your home, it helps to declutter the property, do a little clean-up, allow as much light into the house as possible, get rid of any livestock living within the home and last but not least always remember to put on some pants.  For the love of god please put on some pants.

Read 1916 times Last modified on Friday, 15 February 2013 10:58